Manhattan (1979) - "People should mate for life - like pigeons, or catholics

In this scene, Ike vents his frustration about "pseudointellectual garbage" and delivers the famous pigeon line.

Actors:

Tracy - Mariel Hemingway

Issac - Woody Allen

Script:

(get the full script here)

IKE (Sighing) What a creep! Could you believe her? I mean, she was really—

TRACY (Interrupting) Oh, she seemed real nervous.

IKE Nervous? She was overbearing. She was, mm, you know, mm, terrible. She was all cerebral (Sighing and pointing to bis head) you know. Wh-was—where the hell does that little Radcliffe tootsie come off rating, mm, Scott Fitzgerald and Gustav Mahler and then Heinrich Boll?

TRACY (Putting a can in her basket) I don't understand why you're getting so mad.

IKE I'm mad because I don't like that pseudointellectual garbage. And she was pedantic. Van Gogh. (Prouncing it "Goch") Did you hear that? She said "Van Goch." I couldn't— Like an Arab she spoke. I couldn't. . . and if she had made one more remark about Bergman, I would've knocked her other contact lens out.

He makes a fist in the air.

TRACY (Putting a container of cocoa in her basket) Oh, is she Yale's mistress?

 

IKE (Shaking his head) That will never cease to mystify me. I mean, he's got a wonderful wife and he prefers to—to, mm, diddle this little yo-yo that—that. . . you know. Uh, but—but he was always a sucker for, uh, th-th-those kind of women, you know, the kind, uh, who'd involve him in discussions of existential reality, you know. They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese and mispronounce "allegorical" and "didacticism." He sighs.

TRACY Well, I get the feeling that Yale really likes her.

IKE Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relation¬ships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

Manhattan (1979) - My worst orgasm was right on the money

This clip is from the very funny fundraiser scene at the MoMa.

Actors:

Issac (Ike) - Woody Allen

Mary - Diane Keaton

Dennis - Michael O'Donoghue

Polly - Tisa Farrow

Script:

(get the full script of Manhattan here)

IKE Ha-has anybody read that the Nazis are gonna march in New Jersey, you know? (Helen and Polly shake their heads no) I read this in the newspa­per. (Waving his fist) We should go down there, get some guys to­gether, you know, get some bricks and baseball bats and really explain things to 'em.

JERRY There was this devastating satirical piece on that on the Op-Ed page of the Times. It was devastating.

IKE W-e-e-ell, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to the point down there.

HELEN (Overlapping) Oh, but really biting satire is always better than physical force.

IKE But true physical force is always better with Nazis, uh ... because it's hard to satirize a guy with, uh, shiny boots on.

HELEN Oh, you get emotional, I know, but— DENNIS (Interrupting) Excuse me—

IKE (Nodding)  It's—it's all right.

DENNIS (Overlapping) —we were talking about orgasms.

MARY (Chuckling, reacting) Oh, no, please wait, no.

IKE (Overlapping) Oh, really? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—

DENNIS (Interrupting) Really?

MARY (Overlapping) Give me a break, Dennis.

DENNIS (Defensively) Well, we were.

MARY No, I'm from Philadelphia. We never talk about things like that in public.

IKE (Chuckling) Yeah, you said that the other day.

DENNIS I'm, uh—

IKE (Interrupting, to Mary) I didn't know what the hell it meant then, either.

DENNIS I'm just about to direct a film—

IKE (Interrupting) Ah-ha.

DENNIS —uh, of my own script and, um ... the premise is: This guy screws so great—

IKE (Interrupting) Screws so great?

DENNIS —screws so great that when ... he brings a woman to orgasm, she's so fulfilled . . . that she dies, right? Now, this one . . . (Looking at Mary) excuse me, finds this hostile.

MARY (Shaking her head) This one? Hostile . . . God, it's worse than hostile. It's aggressive-homicidal.

DENNIS I beg your—

IKE (Interrupting, reacting)  She dies?

MARY (To Ike, laughing nervously) You-you-you have to forgive Dennis.

DENNIS (Musing over everyone's reactions) He might not.

MARY He's Harvard direct to Beverly Hills.

IKE (To Dennis) Is that where you're from?

DENNIS (Nodding) Yeah.

MARY   It's, uh——

IKE (Interrupting, incredulous) Is that where you're from? MARY It's Theodor Reik with a touch of Charles Manson.

DENNIS (Nodding) Yeah, right.

POLLY (Speaking for the first time) I.. . uh, I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.

There is a slight pause while everyone digests Polly's words.

IKE (To Polly, breaking the pause) Tsch. Did you have the wrong kind? Oh, really? I've never had the wrong kind—

POLLY (Interrupting, shrugging) Yes?

IKE —ever, never. Uh, my worst one was right on the money.